After The Holiday Exercise 


 
  
		 For Christmas this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons
		 at  the local health club.  Though still in great shape from when I
		 was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good
		 idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with
		 someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor
		 and athletic clothing model.  My wife seemed very pleased with how
		 enthusiastic I was to get started.
 
 		Day 1.
 
 		They suggest I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my progress this
		 week.   Started the morning at 6:00 AM.  Tough to get up, but worth it
		 when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me.  She's
		 something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile.
		 She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the
		 treadmill.  She  seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I
		 think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten
		 points.  Enjoyed watching the aerobics class.  Tanya was very
		 encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a
 		little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her.  This
		 is going to be GREAT.
 
 		Day 2. 
 
 		Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it.
		 Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the
		 air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake!  Legs were a
		 little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile.  Her
		 smile made it all worth it.   Muscles feel GREAT. 
 
		 Day 3.
 	
		 The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the
		 counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.  I am certain that
		 I have developed a hernia in both pectorals.  Driving was okay as long
		 as I didn't try to steer.  I parked on top of a Volkswagen.  Tanya was
		 a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the
		 other club members. The treadmill  hurt my chest so I did the stair
		 monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
		 rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators?  Tanya told me
		 regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything
		 worse. 
 
 		Day 4
 
		 Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I
		 can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to
		 tie my shoes.  She wanted me to lift dumbbells.  Not a chance, Tanya.
		 The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason.  I hid in the men's
		 room until she sent Lars looking for me.  As punishment she made me
		 try the rowing machine.    It sank.  
 
 		Day 5. 
 
 		I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human
		 being in the history of the world.  If there was any part of my body
		 not  in extreme pain I would hit her with it.  She thought it would be
		 a good idea to work on my triceps.  Well, I have news for you, Tanya:
		 I don't have triceps.  And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't
		 hand me any barbells.  I refuse to accept responsibility for the
		 damage.  YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame.  The treadmill
		 flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy.  Why
		 couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social
		 studies?  
 
 		Day 6
 
 		Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am.  I
		 lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight
		 hours of the weather channel.
 
		 Day 7. 
  
 		Well, that's the week.  Thank Goodness that's over.  Maybe next time
		 my wife will give me something a little more fun, like free teeth
		 drilling at the dentist's office.  
 
 		P.S.  Doughnuts anyone?